David Cameron was in Downing St, when his phone rang.
— “Hello prime minister” a heavily accented Islay voice said, this is Lucci speaking over here in the Bowmore bar, Islay, we are sick of high petrol prices, food prices, and I do not like a lot of your policies, so I am calling to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you”.
— “Well then…” David replied. “This is indeed important, how big is your army?”
— “Right now”, said Lucci after a moments calculation, “There is myself, big brother Alistair, Donkey, my next door neighbour, and all of the bar staff”. David paused, “I must tell you Lucci I have 70 000 men in my army, waiting to move on my command”.
— “Wow”, said Lucci, “I will have to call you back”.
Sure enough, the next day Lucci called again.
— “Mr Cameron, the war is still on, we have managed to acquire some infantry equipment”
— “And what equipment would that be?” David asked.
— “Well sir, we got two combines, a bulldozer, three big tractors, and two Clydesdales”. The prime minister sighed “I must tell you Lucci that I have 3 000 tanks and 1 200 personnel carriers, also I have increased my army to 100 000 since we last spoke”.
— “All right,” said Lucci “I’ll be getting back to you”.
Sure enough, Lucci rang again the next day.
— “Mr Cameron, the war is still on. Duncan McGillivray has made us a helicopter out of old machinery from Bruichladddich, and we’ve put a couple of shotguns in the cockpit. Also, Tosh Philco and the bar staff from Duffie’s have joined us”.
David was silent for a minute, then cleared his throat.
— “I must tell you, Lucci, that I have 500 bombers and 200 fighter planes, and since we spoke, I have increased my army to 2 000 000 men”.
— “2 000 000 you say” said Lucci, “I’ll have to call you back”.
Sure enough, Lucci called back the next day.
“Mr Cameron, I’m sorry to have to tell you we have had to call off this war”.
— “I’m sorry to hear that”, said David. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
— “Well”, said Lucci, “we sat down over a few beers and a few drams into the wee hours of the morning, and came to the conclusion that there’s no way we could feed 2 000 000 prisoners”.
Jean-Marc DANQUIGNY
